Grading the Mid Season Grade Columns

Every year there are a host of columns handing out mid-year grades for Major League Baseball teams. But who is there to grade the graders?

No one. Until now.

Today, I’ll take a look at some mid-year report cards and grade the authors of these report cards with my own report card.

J.P. Hoornstra, Daily News Los Angeles (Angels)

There’s nothing inaccurate with Hoornstra’s assessment of the Angels at the break, but it also doesn’t tell us anything we don’t know. While scratching the surface of the Angels’ problems, it fails to peel the onion. What share of the blame do Mike Scioscia and the coaching staff bear? It’s an interesting question, but rather than dive deeper, Hoornstra asks the question and leaves it on the table like a pile of unopened junk mail. I wanted to feel fulfilled but instead felt incomplete, like a half-eaten sandwich left behind on the counter by a weary salesman on his way to another call.  Grade C

Peter Schmuck, Baltimore Sun (Orioles)

I don’t know where to begin with the great job that Schmuck does here. The multimedia slideshow captures all of our favorite Orioles in larger-than-life color, their handsome countenances warm the cockles of my heart nearly as much as Schmuck’s brief yet brilliant write-ups. Schmuck also gets bonus points for not just touching upon the superstars but giving grades to the fringy players on the roster as well (Chris Dickerson gets a grade?). This is a tour-de-force of mid-year grade columns; a combination of new media and old, an intersection of what young people want with what the old, crusty traditionalists desire. I tip my cap to you, Mr. Schmuck. Grade A

Pete Caldera, Bergen Record (Yankees)

At first glance, this seemed like an incomplete look at the Yankees season. But look again. Caldera’s brief look at each Yankees player is a harsh mirror that he is holding up to the organization. Look closely at each review. Each sentence is a slap in the face of what the Yankees didn’t do. The subtext beneath the surface of a Vernon Wells grade is a reminder that the Yankees could have had someone better. This is minimalism at its finest. This is the Zen Koan of midseason report card write ups. We were, are, and will always be the ballplayer. Grade B+

U.S.S. Mariner, Seattle Post Intelligencer (Mariners)

Rather than give its assignment to a crusty veteran columnist, the Seattle Post Intelligencer lets the staff of the U.S.S. Mariner – a savvy Mariners-centric blog that is everything new about the so-called “new media” – handle the assignment. If you like columns that bring the funny, this one gets an A+. The column is loaded with humorous quips that made this columnist’s belly shake and ache for minutes upon minutes until those minutes became hours. What’s missing here is the kind of analysis you’d expect from a midseason review. Many of the players in this column have only a sentence or two with little analysis. This would be fine for a fringe player or two, but players like Kendrys Morales are barely reviewed at all. The introduction to the grades does warn us that giving out grades is a flawed exercise.

 “You need to do things the way you’ve always done them, and I’ve always done stupid midseason report cards, so here’s a stupid midseason report card, featuring every player who’s played on the 2013 Mariners”

I have no argument that report cards are perhaps “stupid” but if that’s the case why contribute to the stupidity? A Vine of someone belching for five seconds could have made the same exact point just as effectively without so much virtual ink spilled on the virtual page. It seems like U.S.S. Mariner wanted to deconstruct the entire midseason report card concept but in the end just went ahead with it anyway. The jokes are worthy of an A, but the overall grade just can’t be that high and meet the exacting standards of the Midseason Report Card format. Grade C-

Adam Boedeker, NBC 5 Dallas Fort Worth (Rangers)

The headline said “Midseason Report Card,” so I expected grades. What I got instead was a brief column that listed an “Offensive MVP” a “Pitching MVP” a “Team MVP” and a “Biggest Disappointment.” Four players out of 25 on the Rangers get mentioned, with no light shed on how well a player such as, say, Robbie Ross did. How can I got about my day without knowing whether Robbie Ross was an A, B, C, D or F player? And what of Engel Beltre? How did he do? I had not been this crushed and demoralized since that guy in my college dorm told me that there is no God despite what our Mommies and Daddies drummed into our heads during our childhoods and in the end there is nothing but a cold, unwelcoming void for all of eternity.  Grade F

David Fernandez, Headline Miami (Marlins)

This Report Card doesn’t grade individual players but rather parts of the team (offense, pitching, defense, manager, and prospects). The rundown is a rather dry, statistical look at the team and – while the statistics are generally applied correctly – it doesn’t make for a very fun read. This piece is technically OK but I found my mind wandering more than a few times. Perhaps I am the one who should be getting a poor grade here, not the columnist. But I must persist. Grade C

Mark Simon, ESPN New York (Mets)

The layout and format of this column are excellent. Simon writes a brief paragraph for each player, with a picture of a blackboard and a letter grade next to each player. The write-ups are short and no nonsense, which is what you’d expect from something coming out of New York.  Still, what made this column for me was the blackboard. It reminded me of happier times in childhood: when the Mets were still good and life was simpler. Now the tasks that must be accomplished are more difficult, and a simple grade does not suffice. I miss the days of my youth. I miss being graded with a letter. Now I am judged by my peers, and even without letter grades I can tell from their harsh glances and unforgiving looks that I am a failure. Grade B+

Chris Branch, Cherry Hill Courier Post (Phillies)

Here Branch presents another positional rather than player by player rundown. I think I prefer the player-by-player rundown. Why should Dominic Brown get a “B” because he’s in the same outfield with Delmon Young? The pitchers get an “A”, but is that really what Cole Hamels deserves? Generations from now, when our grandchildren unearth these mid-year review grade columns, how will they be able to differentiate from Dom Brown and Delmon Young? Isn’t it enough that they’re all going to be doomed to live in a post-apocalyptic hellscape because we destroyed the environment? They should be able to go back through the historical archive and have accurate grades for every player on the 2013 Phillies as of July 13, 2013 as well.

That being said, the column was fine. Grade C

Fred Bowen, Washington Post (Kids Post) (Nationals)

Bowen’s effort appears to be for a section of The Washington Post called The Kids Post, so perhaps I should grade him on the curve. But Mr. Bowen says that he’s a “tough grader” so I’d be remiss if I didn’t hold Mr. Bowen to the same exacting standards that he is holding the Nationals to in his piece. Each player gets a grade here, but the write-ups fall back on the summary by position – and what a brief summary it is. I think we need to teach our children that when we grade people that we need to overanalyze them until the grade reflects who they truly are as people, down to their DNA, down to their core, until we have stripped them of their identify and have assigned them with a letter that exemplifies who they are. Grade C-

Grading Myself

Since no one has ever written a column grading the mid-year columns, I should perhaps grade myself on the curve. But since I did not do that here I cannot allow for such an easy out on my own grade. While I feel like the concept here was clever, the execution left more than a little to be desired. Perhaps I will do better this winter, when I grade the end year grades. Perhaps I will always be destined to write a lackluster column grading the columns that hand out the grades. My Grade: D