Ryan Braun and PEDs

Unless you're living in a cave without Wifi, by now you're well aware that MLB got their man last night. Ryan Braun agreed to a suspension that ends his 2013 season and amounts to a 65 game penalty assuming the Milwaukee Brewers don't make the playoffs, which seems like a safe assumption.

As you would expect, the vast majority of the mainstream sports media spent the evening in the throes of a jubilant celebration. In terms of casting judgment on Ryan Braun, it is difficult to cast too much blame on anyone, even if some of the reactions came across as harsh. Braun's sudden about face given his multiple statements of innocence in the past make it virtually impossible to give him the benefit of the doubt about prior use. While it certainly is a possibility that Braun and his attorneys decided it was better to take a shorter suspension rather than risk a longer suspension and leave even more money on the table fighting the case, this rationale is the epitome of grasping at straws. Defending Ryan Braun at this point is a fool's errand, so I'll leave that task to a bigger fool than I.

However, this doesn't mean that we all should be reenacting the end of An Officer and a Gentleman and collectively tossing our hats into the air in wild celebration. While MLB got their man and will probably get many more of their men there are some serious questions that should be asked – and answered.

Lost in the celebration is that the testing process failed. We know it failed with Ryan Braun but in Braun's case, he never contested the test but only the handling of the sample. However, the majority of the names on the list published by ESPN on June 5 have never been suspended as the result an MLB/MLBPA sanctioned drug test. One of two conclusions can be drawn from this fact:

• the players on the list who were never suspended never did PEDs
• the players on the list who were never suspended did PEDs but managed to successfully elude/evade the testing process

If every single player on the list did take performance enhancing drugs (NOTE: I am saying if, I am not presuming innocence or guilt in any manner), this speaks to a significant failure in the testing process. The takeaway from this investigation for some is that MLB is doing a terrific job attempting to punish players who fell through the testing process. This viewpoint misses a far more vital point: players are falling through the cracks in the testing process. It would be impossible to guess how many players are using PEDs and not being picked up by the testing process, but if there are 10-15 players on the Biogenesis list who never failed a test and did use drugs, it is a relatively safe assumption that the true number of players who used PEDs and tested negative is higher.

This point is a significant one, yet seems to be lost to many in the heat of the moment. If you believe that Anthony Bosch and his cronies deserve the benefit of the doubt and are telling the truth, the testing system is a failure. Of course, the leap for some is not that the testing process needs to be reviewed and fixed or overhauled but that this means that MLB should conduct investigations like the one they are conducting now.

This leads to the second potential problem with this avenue of suspensions. While baseball has the contractual right to conduct these investigations according to the collective bargaining agreement (CBA) and the joint drug agreement (JDA), should they be in the business of conducting these investigations? This is another question that has been swept under the rug on this day of celebratory high fives and backslaps, but one that perhaps shouldn't be. There are several potential issues with this investigation and in particular with this type of investigation:

• Anthony Bosch lied: In April, Bosch denied supplying PEDs to MLB players. In June, Bosch changed his tune. If you are willing to give Bosch the benefit of the doubt in June, then he lied in April. If he was telling the truth in April, he lied in June. Either way, at some point Anthony Bosch was lying.
• Anthony Bosch is under duress: Bosch didn't merely change his tune because he felt bad about the rampant use of steroids in MLB and had an honorable interest in doing the right thing. Bosch's abrupt turn came because he was facing a lawsuit from MLB. The league agreed to drop the lawsuit against Bosch in exchange for his testimony. Whether Bosch’s testimony is legitimate or not, it is difficult to view his testimony as lacking in self-interest.
• Anthony Bosch may have broken the law: It is possible that Bosch broke state and/or federal statutes regarding the sale and dispensing of medications off label.

This last point is not a trivial one but one that the vast majority of the scribes are all too willing to overlook and sweep under the rug in order to fit the going narrative. It is possible that Bosch may have dispensed medications to elderly or infirm patients off label that may have put their lives at risk; of course, it is also possible that he did not. I have absolutely no way of knowing and, again, am not suggesting that Bosch broke any laws without additional information. The larger point is that dispensing medications off label is dangerous, and a much more significant legal and societal issue than baseball players taking steroids. If Bosch broke state or federal laws, he should be investigated by state or federal law enforcement agencies, not by MLB. This seems intuitive and sensible, yet has been lost in a wave of hysteria.

It is easy on days like this to triumphantly crow from the rooftops that MLB scored a victory. But this is a narrow viewpoint and possibly a naive one. The fact that MLB has resorted to this avenue of investigation to obtain suspensions should be seen as a failure of the testing process that the MLBPA and MLB jointly agreed to implement.

An even more naive viewpoint is the one that using people like Bosch to obtain suspensions will do something significant to curb the distribution of PEDs off label. Whether it is part of a law enforcement effort or a concerted audit program on the part of health care agencies, attacking the root of the problem has been a far more effective approach historically. Suspending Braun while Bosch walks away scot free is a wonderful way to warm our virtuous insides but does little if anything to alleviate the root cause of PED use, ignores the larger issues, and possibly tramples on the larger rule of law.

For some, Braun's suspension and the subsequent suspensions that will certainly follow in the coming days and weeks will be viewed as a triumph. In reality, this path reveals several warts on a flawed process. If there is going to be a testing process, that needs to be allowed to work in order to provide the clearest, least ambiguous picture of who is and is not breaking MLBs rules. MLB should also work in concert with law enforcement agencies in the interest of investigating doctors like Bosch and - when applicable - bringing them to justice. This end around of the agreed upon testing program may bring suspensions but fails to deliver definitive proof through a positive drug test and fails to get rid of the sources of the dirty drugs that are tarnishing the game. If baseball is serious about curbing or eliminating PED use, there is a lot of work that needs to be done, and these suspensions do little to address or mitigate the flaws that this investigatory process has exposed.

Grading the Mid Season Grade Columns

Every year there are a host of columns handing out mid-year grades for Major League Baseball teams. But who is there to grade the graders?

No one. Until now.

Today, I’ll take a look at some mid-year report cards and grade the authors of these report cards with my own report card.

J.P. Hoornstra, Daily News Los Angeles (Angels)

There’s nothing inaccurate with Hoornstra’s assessment of the Angels at the break, but it also doesn’t tell us anything we don’t know. While scratching the surface of the Angels’ problems, it fails to peel the onion. What share of the blame do Mike Scioscia and the coaching staff bear? It’s an interesting question, but rather than dive deeper, Hoornstra asks the question and leaves it on the table like a pile of unopened junk mail. I wanted to feel fulfilled but instead felt incomplete, like a half-eaten sandwich left behind on the counter by a weary salesman on his way to another call.  Grade C

Peter Schmuck, Baltimore Sun (Orioles)

I don’t know where to begin with the great job that Schmuck does here. The multimedia slideshow captures all of our favorite Orioles in larger-than-life color, their handsome countenances warm the cockles of my heart nearly as much as Schmuck’s brief yet brilliant write-ups. Schmuck also gets bonus points for not just touching upon the superstars but giving grades to the fringy players on the roster as well (Chris Dickerson gets a grade?). This is a tour-de-force of mid-year grade columns; a combination of new media and old, an intersection of what young people want with what the old, crusty traditionalists desire. I tip my cap to you, Mr. Schmuck. Grade A

Pete Caldera, Bergen Record (Yankees)

At first glance, this seemed like an incomplete look at the Yankees season. But look again. Caldera’s brief look at each Yankees player is a harsh mirror that he is holding up to the organization. Look closely at each review. Each sentence is a slap in the face of what the Yankees didn’t do. The subtext beneath the surface of a Vernon Wells grade is a reminder that the Yankees could have had someone better. This is minimalism at its finest. This is the Zen Koan of midseason report card write ups. We were, are, and will always be the ballplayer. Grade B+

U.S.S. Mariner, Seattle Post Intelligencer (Mariners)

Rather than give its assignment to a crusty veteran columnist, the Seattle Post Intelligencer lets the staff of the U.S.S. Mariner – a savvy Mariners-centric blog that is everything new about the so-called “new media” – handle the assignment. If you like columns that bring the funny, this one gets an A+. The column is loaded with humorous quips that made this columnist’s belly shake and ache for minutes upon minutes until those minutes became hours. What’s missing here is the kind of analysis you’d expect from a midseason review. Many of the players in this column have only a sentence or two with little analysis. This would be fine for a fringe player or two, but players like Kendrys Morales are barely reviewed at all. The introduction to the grades does warn us that giving out grades is a flawed exercise.

 “You need to do things the way you’ve always done them, and I’ve always done stupid midseason report cards, so here’s a stupid midseason report card, featuring every player who’s played on the 2013 Mariners”

I have no argument that report cards are perhaps “stupid” but if that’s the case why contribute to the stupidity? A Vine of someone belching for five seconds could have made the same exact point just as effectively without so much virtual ink spilled on the virtual page. It seems like U.S.S. Mariner wanted to deconstruct the entire midseason report card concept but in the end just went ahead with it anyway. The jokes are worthy of an A, but the overall grade just can’t be that high and meet the exacting standards of the Midseason Report Card format. Grade C-

Adam Boedeker, NBC 5 Dallas Fort Worth (Rangers)

The headline said “Midseason Report Card,” so I expected grades. What I got instead was a brief column that listed an “Offensive MVP” a “Pitching MVP” a “Team MVP” and a “Biggest Disappointment.” Four players out of 25 on the Rangers get mentioned, with no light shed on how well a player such as, say, Robbie Ross did. How can I got about my day without knowing whether Robbie Ross was an A, B, C, D or F player? And what of Engel Beltre? How did he do? I had not been this crushed and demoralized since that guy in my college dorm told me that there is no God despite what our Mommies and Daddies drummed into our heads during our childhoods and in the end there is nothing but a cold, unwelcoming void for all of eternity.  Grade F

David Fernandez, Headline Miami (Marlins)

This Report Card doesn’t grade individual players but rather parts of the team (offense, pitching, defense, manager, and prospects). The rundown is a rather dry, statistical look at the team and – while the statistics are generally applied correctly – it doesn’t make for a very fun read. This piece is technically OK but I found my mind wandering more than a few times. Perhaps I am the one who should be getting a poor grade here, not the columnist. But I must persist. Grade C

Mark Simon, ESPN New York (Mets)

The layout and format of this column are excellent. Simon writes a brief paragraph for each player, with a picture of a blackboard and a letter grade next to each player. The write-ups are short and no nonsense, which is what you’d expect from something coming out of New York.  Still, what made this column for me was the blackboard. It reminded me of happier times in childhood: when the Mets were still good and life was simpler. Now the tasks that must be accomplished are more difficult, and a simple grade does not suffice. I miss the days of my youth. I miss being graded with a letter. Now I am judged by my peers, and even without letter grades I can tell from their harsh glances and unforgiving looks that I am a failure. Grade B+

Chris Branch, Cherry Hill Courier Post (Phillies)

Here Branch presents another positional rather than player by player rundown. I think I prefer the player-by-player rundown. Why should Dominic Brown get a “B” because he’s in the same outfield with Delmon Young? The pitchers get an “A”, but is that really what Cole Hamels deserves? Generations from now, when our grandchildren unearth these mid-year review grade columns, how will they be able to differentiate from Dom Brown and Delmon Young? Isn’t it enough that they’re all going to be doomed to live in a post-apocalyptic hellscape because we destroyed the environment? They should be able to go back through the historical archive and have accurate grades for every player on the 2013 Phillies as of July 13, 2013 as well.

That being said, the column was fine. Grade C

Fred Bowen, Washington Post (Kids Post) (Nationals)

Bowen’s effort appears to be for a section of The Washington Post called The Kids Post, so perhaps I should grade him on the curve. But Mr. Bowen says that he’s a “tough grader” so I’d be remiss if I didn’t hold Mr. Bowen to the same exacting standards that he is holding the Nationals to in his piece. Each player gets a grade here, but the write-ups fall back on the summary by position – and what a brief summary it is. I think we need to teach our children that when we grade people that we need to overanalyze them until the grade reflects who they truly are as people, down to their DNA, down to their core, until we have stripped them of their identify and have assigned them with a letter that exemplifies who they are. Grade C-

Grading Myself

Since no one has ever written a column grading the mid-year columns, I should perhaps grade myself on the curve. But since I did not do that here I cannot allow for such an easy out on my own grade. While I feel like the concept here was clever, the execution left more than a little to be desired. Perhaps I will do better this winter, when I grade the end year grades. Perhaps I will always be destined to write a lackluster column grading the columns that hand out the grades. My Grade: D

Olive Garden - January 20, 2002

I'm not a chain restaurant guy. I've never liked chain restaurants.

Growing up in New Jersey, in particular I never saw the point of The Olive Garden. You can throw a rock in Northern New Jersey and hit a dozen great Italian restaurants. Why would you voluntarily go to a chain restaurant that is inferior to one of the great local Italian eateries and wait in line for an hour to subject yourself to the inferior experience? It never made any sense to me. Chain restaurants are for when you're on a business trip in the middle of nowhere and it's the only game in town.

Twelve and a half years ago I went to The Olive Garden. My then-girlfriend Colleen (now my wife) and I had been dating for about a year and were moving into our first place together where both our names were on the lease (she had unofficially lived with me for about six months, which is another story for another day). It was only about a three mile move, but we didn't hire movers and by the end of the day we were exhausted. Even though we had only moved three miles away, we didn't know the new area at all so we decided to go to The Olive Garden because it was close. I should also point out that this was right around our anniversary so this dinner was going to be our anniversary dinner.

We walked in and the wait for a Saturday night wasn't bad at all: only 20-30 minutes. I don't like waiting at restaurants but - again - I was fucking tired after a long day of moving furniture and boxes and at this point didn't care. I wanted something quick and simple and then I wanted to go home so I could sleep.

The crowd that was waiting was the usual group of suburbanites waiting to eat at an Olive Garden on a Sunday night. I didn't give the crowd much thought...until I saw a near altercation. A middle aged guy walked past a young dude in his early 20s and nearly bumped into him. It looked like one of those near misses that sometimes happens in a crowded area. If it happens to you, the typical reaction is to shrug, maybe say something under your breath, and go on about your life.

Not this guy, though. "What the fuck?!" he yelled, a little too loud for a public setting, to one of his buddies. "Did you see that? That guy almost knocked me over? What the hell? Get up out my business!"

His friend agreed, uttered some similar macho nonsense, and also said "get up out my business." Shortly after this, this unpleasant party of six was seated and I thought that was that. It was a little weird, but I figured we'd never see these yahoos again.

Unfortunately it wasn't the end of that. Five to 10 minutes later Colleen and I were seated and found ourselves in the same section as these winners. This was our own fault because back then both of us were smokers (BOO, I know) and these guys were also smokers. As we settled into our section, I could tell that the obnoxious behavior from these guys hadn't just been a bad moment in the waiting area but was pretty much a regular part of their lifestyle.

These guys were loud. They were drinking margaritas and talking like they were outside at a barbeque, not inside in a restaurant.

The loudness wasn't the worst part, though. The worst part is that these morons were going on and on like the non-altercation in the waiting area was the moment of their lives where wishy-washy indecisiveness should be replaced with action and they should find the guy that nearly bumped their friend and teach him a lesson he wouldn't forget.

"Did you SEE that guy? He just walked up right past me, almost bumped me and didn't say nothing. Get up out my business! Who the hell did he think he was? Where is he sitting? I'm going to find him and teach him a lesson. Get up out my BUSINESS!"

Get up out my business was a pretty big expression with these guys. They kept saying it over and over and over. It sounded inane enough the first time I heard it. By the fiftieth time I heard it I wanted to scream. Also, these guys were getting more and more animated every time they said the words "get up out my business." It could also have been my imagination, but by the fiftieth time they uttered the words "get up out my business" these guys were jumping up and down around the table and pantomiming the event.

Colleen and I were doing that whole thing where we were trying to ignore their behavior even though it was impossible to do so. Since that was impossible, the next logical step was to make fun of these idiots under our breath. After a few minutes of this, I let out a nervous laugh that was a little too loud.

My laugh shifted the attention of the Get Up Out My Business boys from the injustice in the waiting area to me. There was a moment of silence and two of them glared at me. It was not a comfortable moment. Fortunately, it was also a short moment; we were saved by their food coming to the table. Once the food came, they forgot about us and they started the imaginary incident in the waiting area.

For years, we talked about the guys who came to be known as the Get Up Out My Business boys. We joked that The Olive Garden should hire these guys to go from Olive Garden to Oliver Garden across the country as a form of live entertainment. The funniest part of the tale to me is that I have never heard the phrase Get Up Out My Business uttered before or since.

Direct TV

When your cable company raises its rates, you have to get a second job.

When you have to get a second job, you apply for a lot of jobs you don’t necessarily like.

When you apply for jobs you don’t necessarily like, you wind up interviewing for a customer service job at Direct TV

When you interview for a customer service job at Direct TV, they find out that you directed a few artsy student films in college.

When Direct TV finds out that you directed a few artsy student films in college, they hire you to direct their latest commercial because their last director quit because he felt like a fucking two-bit hack.

When Direct TV hires you to direct their latest commercial because their last director quit because he felt like a fucking two-bit hack, you gamely try to direct their commercial so you can afford your cable bill.

When you gamely try to direct Direct TV’s latest commercial so you can afford your cable bill, you direct yet another one of their crappy fucking commercials.

Don’t direct yet another one of Direct TV’s crappy fucking commercials. Get Direct TV.